“Long time Man.”
“Thank you, my friend.”
“Nigeria almost happened to you; isn’t it a shame that you had to return home quickly to treat a fracture?”
“My brother, what do you expect when the country is losing brilliant doctors to hospitals abroad; for many doctors, it is against the grain not join the ongoing brain drain.”
“Anyway, really good to have you back, I have missed you, although I don’t like how you write about our private conversations in your weekly column.”
“Please will you keep quiet there, hahaha. Didn’t you tell me how our conversations have made you famous in your office, especially among your female colleagues.”
“Oga, please off your mic, you are on speaker and madam is within earshot…”
“You can see you are a foolish man; phone etiquette says you must inform the other caller that he is on speaker, you want to expose me after all I have done for you?”
Don’t be angry, speaker is off now, and you know I am not like some people, I am grateful to you for making me popular among my colleagues, hahaha”
“Mention the gender of your colleagues let madam hear you”
“Hahaha, seriously I am indeed grateful unlike some politicians…”
“Please you know the ground rules, I don’t discuss politics”
“Ah, you people ‘in the abroad’ as we say in the local parlance think it is only us that would be served ‘breakfast’ by some politicians.”
“But what is wrong with eating breakfast? If politicians’ now want to serve breakfast, then it means they are not inured to the suffering of the masses…”
“I can see you are not abreast with the new slangs, let me bring you up to speed before you disgrace yourself outside;
‘Breakfast’ in urban Nigerian dictionary means ‘heartbreak’, so we know that nothing will change and in that context our politicians will break our hearts as usual with not only their shenanigans but the fact that they don’t really care about us – most just want power for their own selfish interests.”
“Hahaha, I like the breakfast slang, Nigerians are actually ingenuous in the way they coin these slangs”
“Yes o, last last na everybody go chop breakfast”
“Lol, please, what does that mean again?”
“At some point everyone will suffer from heartbreak, whether in a relationship or from politicians you support.”
“This man you will not kill me with laughter.”
“Meanwhile, do you know the new title of one of the Governors?”
“His Worshipful Lordship and Excellency?”
“Lol, that would have been better and fitting considering that some of them have egos as big as the world wide web.”
“Please no insults, I don’t support verbal violence, please what is the new title? don’t digress…”
“Okay, I hear you, before you tell me i am suffering from verbal diarrhoea. The new title is “His Excellency, the Eleyi of XYZ State.”
“Lol, is that another slang, please what does it mean?”
“Aha, I can’t, because it will warrant an explanation that will go against your ground rules of not discussing politics.”
“Well in that case, let us end the conversation then.”
“Before you go, did you read about the outrage online when Yul Edochie announced that he has married a second wife?”
“Oh, that story; someone brought it to my attention while I was convalescing. Seriously what is wrong with you guys? I wish you all would deploy the same energy and time to hold bad leaders accountable. Anyway, as I had said in the past, Man and woman matter is what is on the front burner of discourse in Nigeria…”
“Please don’t blame us, look at all the madness going on, it is our way to escape reality and protect our mental health. I mean just look at the gruesome murder of innocent people at Owo?”
“Oh, please my heartbreaks every time that dastardly act comes up, it is disheartening, dastardly and a heinous crime against humanity…”
“I know, madam has not stopped crying since the news of the incident, where do we go to for succour, if agents of darkness now desecrate places of worship?’’
“My brother, I don’t know, let us just keep hoping against hope; Nigeria will survive, don’t give up, continue to pray for peace, unity and prosperity.”
“Where do you go to pray when sanctuaries are now being desecrated?”
“Dude, as you guys say in the local parlance ‘I tire for the matter.”
Sam Umukoro
